May was a big month (and this is a long post so grab a cup of coffee 😉 ). Motherhood changes everything – until that little bundle is placed in your arms and you look down at this tiny life YOU created, only then does the enormity truly hit you. My priorities and perspective have changed more than I ever thought possible and with that, so have my plans. Far too often, everything always ends up happening at once and last month was just one of those months.
First up, I resigned. This was not an easy decision and one I agonized over for a long time. Seven years with one company is a really long time, your colleagues become more like your family and I experienced all my big life moments with them – getting engaged, married and then having a baby. But after seven years I also felt like I had reached a ceiling in the position I was in and felt like I had stagnated. Due to circumstances, there was also no longer any growth potential for me either. And add becoming a mom to the mix and the timing felt right. The closer I got to returning to work, the more anxiety I felt and the more I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do. While I definitely want to work again (for my own independence and mental stimulation) and I am going to miss my colleagues tremendously, I am eternally grateful for the fact that I can have this time with my baby and enjoy his all too fleeting littleness. I am a fiercely independent person so the thought of not working does give me anxiety and I have never not worked so it’s all very new but change is good so for now, I’m going to enjoy this special time being a stay-at-home mom.
May also brought with it the loss of my beautiful Granny. I still struggle to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never her voice again or get to cuddle up to her for hugs that only Grannies can give. She may have moved back to Scotland 15 years ago but I was exceptionally close to her and her loss is harder than I ever thought possible. She had just visited us in January and seemed so well so her sudden loss is even harder to wrap my head around but I am so grateful that Oliver got to meet her and while he won’t remember, I can show him photos of how he slept snuggled up to his very special Great- Granny for hours. Not being able to be at her funeral was also unbelievably difficult. I didn’t think it would affect me as much as it did but it truly broke my heart to not be there to say my final goodbyes. But as a mom, I am learning that you have to make sacrifices and while this was a big one, I know she understands. It is times like these we are so lucky to have technology at our finger tips and I was able to watch her service and feel like I was there in spirit. And now, exactly one month to the day, my Grandpa left us to join her. I saw him last in October 2014 on my last visit to Scotland and while he had suffered from dementia for the last 3.5 years his death was so unexpected, especially as my mom and brother has visited him just 3 weeks ago. We are all still reeling from the shock of losing them both so suddenly but I find peace in knowing that they have found their way to each other once more.
January’s enthusiasm was very short lived. With numerous emails from Vitality to give me the push I needed, I finally got my act together in May and started exercising again. It’s taken me a LOT longer than I thought it would to get back to being active but I’m learning to be patient and also listen to my body and while I’m no where close to where I was at before I had Oliver, it definitely feels good to get moving again. Exercise has always been a huge part of my life and I was at my fittest just before I fell pregnant – if you’re a regular reader of the blog then you’ll know for me, the mental benefits of exercising are enormous. The high I get from a hard session at the gym makes me feel like a new person. One of the things I’ve struggled with the most since becoming a mom is feeling like I’ve lost some of my identity, along with all of my time. And while I wouldn’t trade it for the world, it’s the little things – like finding the time (and now motivation) to exercise regularly, painting my nails (#ManiMonday has not featured on my Instagram for many, many Mondays!), actually getting to hit publish on blog posts rather than having unfinished ones piling up in my drafts folder, reading more than one book in two months! As small as these things may be, I’ve come to realise just how important they are for me and my mental well being. So May has also been the month of me (trying) take a little time for myself to do the things that make me happy and feel good – all which enable me to be a better wife and mom.
Since my last Life Lately update was in January, I thought I’d catch you up on where I’ve been for the last two months. For the next while, I plan to focus on my blog and post more regularly. This little space is something I am so passionate about and brings me so much joy that I really want to spend this time getting lost in it for a while. So stay tuned – you can expect a lot more activity in the coming months!
Keep warm and happy Friday 🙂